Tuesday, 5 February 2008
Love. You fall in love. You decide to spend the rest of your life with that person. And then, something changes. You grow apart, a partner dies, people move on. So what is this crazy thing called love and how does it affect us in our relationships. I have fallen in love, I still fall in love. A move of a beautiful woman's hair, the simple glimpse of a cute smile. These I feel are all traps. Traps that have been defined by the natural order of the animal race. What we have done over time have sung the swan's song and decided that monogamy is the path that should be followed. And in some people's eyes, this monogamy takes them to their grave. However, does the notions of sexual activity, devotion, love and attraction all fit into the same basket?
Life I feel isn't that easy. Also, I feel that being one of the two genders in humankind, I find my agenda (subconscious or conscious) is remarkably different to that of the sweeter opposite sex. Also, age has changed many peoples agendas. At middle age I still have a great deal of respect for the opposite sex and have many aspects that confuse and test my differences between the need for companionship and that of simple sexual drive. Today though, many young people rack up a tally of relationships like baseball card collections. The notch on the bed post has spanned the egos of both sexes and promiscuity has become an acceptable invite to open sexual deliverance. I am going to look back at the knowledge I have of relationships and all the things entailed in this coming together and try and find answers. I start from my earliest understanding of, what has still remained today, that mysteriousness of the opposite sex. I was 4 or 5 and I was standing in the playground at school and a girl (her name will remain etched in my mind, but anonymous here) kissed me. She kissed me for a whole one minute. To me, aged as young as I was at the time, the importance of this moment wasn't the actual feeling but the duration. A minute kiss seemed to signify something to me. Also, and a little more important was who kissed me. This girl at four or five was in my mind a catch. Everyone liked her, so to have her kiss me was a good thing. Later, after this relationship failed (if that is what it could be called), another girl showed interested in me. Again to start with there was a mutual intrigue. The difference was, and it had nothing to do with preference or even physical attraction, was that this girl brought sweets for me every day, she would hang about and talk, etc. This wasn't a turn-off, what is was, was an indication that even at this early age, I know what the roles of man and woman had defined in this natural order. This rule was simply that a person was never going to be attracted to every person, regardless of how nice, pretty or how attracted they were to myself. Another early experience was that from my parents. Two points about this. One was that they talked of "when they met". I preamble to the dating conversation, or the father's talk to son. However, what I remember is that they talked of dating as a walk up and down the country path. They would tell me that they had to be accompanied in order to avoid improprieties, and such. In some respect I see the values of these sort of traditions in the dating game. What unfortunately has happened in this evolution of society, from a morally bound state to a media frenzied sin pit, is that part of the dating game now is not just dinner and a movie, but full blown intercourse. The point of this? Well I can only hypothesis. Society is doing one of two things. It is delivering images of idealism. Maybe through celebrity and their portrayal on film and tv, or magazine. This takes away from the humbleness and loveliness of honest-to-god honesty in a real person's make-up. This all, as well seems to be aimed at the woman, but saying that has crept into the images of an ideal man. So, the notion of sex before marriage has arose to test the possible compatibility of the relationship before "time is wasted" in legalities of churches and certificates and so forth. The other aspect of this is that society has become a frenzy of time controlled lifestyles. So dating is a more spontaneous affair as much as the next "blipvert", or 10 second ad. People just need to move on. Or there is simply a more direct sexual openness to the process of relationships now. Young women are having babies outside relationships, men and women living together outside marriage, everything to to pot! So, what is the best solution to the process of a relationship, or more so, the need to be connected to someone? I have had relationships, not many, but not few. Some have lasted months, some years, but one thing has been evident. That the time together has changed the people involved. Only recently I have found myself in a position to begin to understand what love is. The funny thing is, is that it doesn't seem to need a position in a totally involved relationship. The feeling is strong and true. It is based on a connection. the connection has understandings that the person has in fact go an indescribable quality that draws me. There was no initial value that stated she was my type, that she was even compatible in a relationship, or even would be. What was striking is the fact that 'something' just feels right. Unlike very sexy women dolled to the nines that pass me in tight this and provocative that, this person can be in sweats and smile and it overwhelms. There then lies the difference I feel between lust and love. Lust is the new provocation in many relationships that occur today. What happens from that point is that the relationship then slowly dies or peters out into and ended relationship. Love is an internal selfish emotion. Not selfish in a negative way, but selfish in the sense that it is held by that single person and is individual and very hard to express in an open forum, even to another partner. I have always questioned what love is. In a sense it is a pain that drives us to feel connected to someone when they are absent or hurt or bad to one. The overwhelmingness of love is never a union as much as the union itself. Instead it is an expressed condition that both parties seem to need or want to agree on. Loveless relationships work, so is there a need for love? Does love get in the way? Is love a masking term for sexual need? What I know is that as I get older the desire for love, sex, or fascination in another is overtaken by the need to find some simple compatibility. A laugh at a silly comment, a smile on a touch, and so forth. Sex comes naturally. It is our inbuilt id. Togetherness can be forced through economy, legislature or even apathy. However, understanding and complete connection is something that cannot exist falsely. I long to be in a union, that is the greatest desire. The love, the talk, the sex will come along with the true connection that means you are with the right person. So a relationship can be correct and perfect even over distance, even without legal union and even without physical involvement. Why? because the thing that makes the connection work is the thought of that person. If that person is such an affect on your mind then the power of that thought will control and influence all the aspects of the relationship. The process of being single is another thing. I believe, and am only saying this as a male entity, that sex is a strong driving factor in many relationships initiation.
© Rob Snow